In a world obsessed with being how to be successful, we will teach you how to be unsuccessful.
- Remember that Starting is Overrated
Forget about the whole ‘starting’ thing. That’s too productive for our liking! Instead, embrace the storyline in your head that tells you all the reasons why you can’t do anything. Recite phrases like ‘I’m no good at this’ or ‘I’ve tried this before’ to reinforce your commitment to doing absolutely nothing. Who needs progress when you have the power of negative thinking?
- Start Big, Start Now…Or Maybe Not
Forget about starting small. Go big or go home! Or better yet, go home without going big. Starting in the middle is overrated. Let’s just avoid starting altogether. Who needs marks on a page or picking up a musical instrument when we can revel in the glory of non-action?
- Take Productive Napping to the Extreme
Forget power naps; let’s go for power hibernation! Take productive napping to the extreme by turning your nap times into full-blown hibernation sessions. Dream big and sleep even bigger!
- Demonize Achievement and Avoid Learning
Host (On-screen): “Success is overrated! Instead of embracing it as a learning opportunity, demonize any form of progress. Resist growth and improvement at all costs. Remember, mistakes are mistakes, and they should be treated as such. Avoid any chance of growth like a professional non-learner!
- Downplay Every Accomplishment
Do you know what is even more overrated than success? Celebrating success! Keep a chart of your lack of progress and celebrate it excessively. Every small step toward not doing anything deserves a monumental celebration. Remember, the more you celebrate, the less you’re actually getting done!” I think this calls for a celebration. YAYYYY!!!
- Cancel on Yourself Like a Pro
Who needs self-discipline? When it comes to keeping appointments with yourself, don’t hesitate to cancel them at the last minute. Just like canceling a doctor’s appointment, canceling on yourself has zero consequences…or does it? Nah, you won’t find out until it’s too late!
- Never Make Time for Anything
Forget about making time for your pursuits. The key is to hope for time to magically appear and make your dreams come true. Don’t bother scheduling anything. Just sit back and wait for the universe to align itself with your laziness. Trust me, it’ll happen…eventually.
- Stick to Your Habitual Responses
Who needs change when you can stick to your old ways? Notice your habitual responses to setbacks and make sure to continue with them. Quitting when things get tough? Perfect! Keep it up. Never Start Over, Keep Doing Nothing
- Easily Distracted? Embrace it!
Why focus on one thing when you can chase distractions like a pro? Embrace your easily distracted nature and let the laundry or any mundane task capture your attention. Stay in the room, but let your mind wander to the least important matters. It’s an art form, really!
- Seek Validation for Your Non-Existence
Who needs productivity when you can worry about what others think? Ignore those pesky comparisons and spend your days wondering if anyone will appreciate the nothingness you’re creating. Remember, the invisible thing you’re not making is worth more than anything you could actually produce. Keep wondering, my friends!
- Embrace Procrastination All Day, Every Day
Consistency is for the productive folks. As proud members of the ‘Do Nothing’ club, we embrace procrastination with open arms. Don’t let inspiration or convenience guide your actions. Wait forever for that burst of motivation that will never come. Remember, the key to not getting things done is to wait…and wait…and wait some more.
- The Power Negative Self-talk
Do you find yourself getting more productive every day and have no idea how to stop it? Don’t worry your self-saboteur will do it for you. If by some miracle your self saboteur has suddenly transformed into your biggest cheerleader try going down the rabbit hole of existential dread. That always seems to work for most. Here are some questions and phrases to jumpstart that existential crisis into action.
“It’s all ending anyway…”
“Why does any of this matter?”
“What are you even?”
Another effective way to trick yourself into old patterns of failure when in the middle of a glorious glow of creativity is to stop take a breath and wonder if you are even good enough?”
Some other good questions to ask yourself at this point are: “What is the value of your work?” “What is your own worth?” By following these steps self-doubt and confusion will battle every notion of success right out of you. You will also get a free dose of low self-esteem. Start today to find your true powers of being unsuccessful!